The ugly truth behind acne

Most of my paintings I view as self-portraits, even though I am usually not the model. The fact that it isn’t my face is not what’s important to me, it’s the feelings that I am attempting to portray. I cover the face of the model in a layer of white make-up that has come to represent many things to me over the years, but perhaps mostly I view it as a mask. The mask represents many things, but here I would like to explore what the mask is literally covering up.

(Is the fact that the mask is white important? Probably also no, except that it was inspired by the likes of Perrot, Elizabethan attire as well as the circus and theatre in general.)

The answer is basically two things- rosacea which helpfully creates a very unwelcome blotchy pink tone to my skin and flares up at every microscopic flicker of emotional discomfort  i.e. all the frigging time. The other is acne, which will take the starring role here.

I have been loathed to write about this as my vanity does not really want to permit me broadcasting that I am inflicted with this problem, this is why I use concealer. However it is, unfortunately a problem that I share with thousands, if not millions of people, and I hope that in sharing this it will help viewers to better understand my work but also to let other acne (and rosacea) sufferers know they are not alone.

Up until I was 19 acne was just a problem that happened to other people, not me. Up until that point I had just had to put up with the rosacea, which believe me felt like more than enough. I cannot possibly recall the number of times I have asked myself why can’t I just have normal skin? Skin that isn’t pink and doesn’t turn bright red every time I’m hot, slightly uncomfortable or embarrassed or have undertaken even the most moderate bit of exercise?

The fact that acne showed up in my life at that age is by no means a random occurrence. By that age I was two years into my ‘fruit diet’ during which I would spend five years eating five pieces of fruit a day (of which had to be either a Pink Lady apple or a Conference pear) and nothing else except a litre of fruit juice and an entire packet of chewing gum. Sometimes I would throw in a packet of Softmints. Actually, very often. Sometimes I would slip up and eat an entire packet of sultana’s even though it made me feel physically sick and intensely ashamed of myself. I would frequently wash all that down with scalding hot cups of (herbal) tea and several hours of exercise a day.

My periods stopped for five years, and for the first time in my life I experienced acne.

Of course I did not just get any old kind of acne, no. I got the cystic kind of acne, the kind that never comes to a head but creates a large inflamed lump on the skin which is painful and lasts for 4-6 weeks. After that it leaves marks that can last for over a year. Great. Just great. This type of cystic acne is so painful that every time I move my face I can feel the painful swelling which serves to remind me of the monstrosity that is invading my skin, prepping itself to cause yet another scar.

I have tried many remedies over the years to banish this infliction from my skin and from my life. I have spent several years seeing a nutritionist (which after my fruit diet was sorely needed); I have spent a ton of money on countless topical potions and lotions. I have tried tea tree oil, apple cider vinegar, face masks, essential oils (I recommend NEVER putting oregano oil onto your skin - ever), Clearasil and aloe vera gel. I have consumed a ton of green smoothies, kefir, kombucha and expensive herbal supplements. I have even had laser treatment.

I expect many who don’t experience acne might think – come on, it’s just a superficial problem, there are way more important things to be concerned about in life than to get so caught up in what your skin looks like. Or as my therapist put it, ‘it really doesn’t matter’. Yet I would say to this that acne has taken me to some very dark places at times. It has eroded what little I had left of my self-esteem. It has prevented me from doing so many things in my life- going to parties, meeting up with friends, going to evening classes and even being able to answer the door to the postman. Perhaps the most disturbing of all though is that at times when my acne has really flared up it has swept me up into such a dark state of mind that I have even had suicidal thoughts.

Unfortunately acne is a massive trigger for my compulsive skin picking disorder and at times of stress, acne + skin picking can equal deep bouts of despair and depression. I find depression a terrifying prospect because I remember just how low I can go.

Interestingly during the previous lockdowns here in the UK my acne along with most its marks completely cleared up. (Just to be clear, I am one of the weird introverts who actually loved being locked down.) It was so good that I began to forget just how devastating I find it, and how much of a hold it has over my life. I even, when the occasion called for it, answered the door to the postman without any make-up on. In March of this year I had to return to work to an environment I already found highly stressful even before Covid came along, and now it is even more so. As well as this after many cancelled sessions my therapist told me she was having a period of time off work, but did not say for how long, and I was devastated. There were other stressors, but these were by far the biggest and two weeks after my therapist’s email - guess what happened - my acne returned with vengeance.

So now for the past month I have had the joy of having FIVE cystic spots on my face, for which I would like to say thanks Vicky*. My skin went from being really clear to, well, a complete cluster fuck to be frank. At least I can for once be grateful that I have to wear a mask every time I leave the house.

This pandemic seems to have taught me that stress is by far the biggest contributor to my acne, yet I am trying to be more specific than this. I think acne is a multi-faceted problem and a signal from our bodies telling us that it’s out of balance. I think clearing acne is about taking a holistic approach which means coming at it from all angles. It’s about eating well, taking regular exercise, getting enough sleep, reducing stress but also about not engaging with negative self-talk which becomes so habitual over time. In fact trying to keep up with all of these things can in itself become stressful. I’m reluctantly learning that it might as well be about learning to tune into emotions and talk about them instead of internalising everything, a daunting and if I am honest, terrifying prospect.

I’m currently reading ‘When the Body Says No’ by the ever inspiring Gabor Mate and I am curious as to whether my acne has something to do with suppressing my emotions, most notably anger. This is another part of the metaphor of the mask in my paintings, the masking of emotions; of hiding them so deep inside of myself that even I don’t know they are there, screaming at me to be released. Perhaps one day I will be free of acne and able to take of the mask, and maybe when I do I will want to go and paint something else, perhaps I will go and paint flowers.

* please note the name of my therapist has been changed in order to protect her identity.